Contrary to popular belief, or at least my belief, meditation is not praying. Meditation is waiting in stillness for God to answer your prayers.
Upon realizing the difference, my prayer life started to shift. It went from begging God to give me the life I thought I deserved, to thanking Him for the life I have and waiting for guidance on where to go from here.
There are days when I don't feel like I'm being guided at all, it's more like I've been left on a path alone to see if I will be a mere survivor or mighty conqueror. Lately, I feel like a mere survivor.
In the last month, I went from working 40 hours a week, to working an 8 hours a week, if I'm lucky. I went from a promising relationship to being walked out on and away from with little explanation. I went from a safe savings account to counting and calculating every penny. I went from feeling like I was surrounded by friends, to questioning if I even have friends.
The first few weeks of little work and little income, I saw the guidance. I was receiving money from unexpected means. I was effortlessly selling things online, even receiving some requests to be a paid blogger, and didn't struggle to pay each bill. I thought by now I'd be back to working more but business is still slow and I'm still uncertain if I should wait it out or try to find another job with similar hours and pay.
The more I mediate on these worries and fears, the more I see my life shifting in a different direction.
I see travel.
I see kindness.
I see love.
I see happiness.
I don't see a job.
I see writing.
I see photography.
I see food.
I see life.
Which is why I've taken the opportunity I've been given from not having any work, to spend time on writing and photography. These have always been my fall backs and I know it is possible to make a living doing these things... I simply am trying to figure out how. I spend a lot of energy doubting myself and my abilities, but one thing is for sure, everything always guides me back to these things.
Maybe it's time to have an adventure...