I called my friend in a panic. She answered with a casual hello.
"Give me positive vibes NOW! I demanded. I was driving and struggling to calm my emotional reactions to my current frustrations.
"Um, okay. You are sunshine and light.." she laughed as she mumbled the words into the phone but then I interrupted her confusion of my demand.
"LIAR!" I laughed. "I mean, remind me how to control my emotions and see the positive instead of being annoyed at this group of people, that I, for some pathetic and idiotic reason, keep hanging out with? Am I that desperate for a social life?" Though I am speaking sarcastically, there is so much truth to my words.
"Um, did you want me to answer that?" she asks, sounding ready to reveal the cold hard truths of my life to me over the phone.
"NO! Because I already know the answer! I am! This is my life! Desperate attempts of putting myself out there, only to be rejected, or ignored. Also, I forgot to take off my invisibility cloak again." I let out a slow, deep, and loud, sigh, and then let it all go. "I just don't know how, after a year of changing my mindset, being more open and understanding, loving and accepting myself, and going through so many emotional and mental changes that I still struggle with finding people to be involved in my life, or mine in theirs."
She understood my struggle because she has listened to me vent my frustrations about this issue since I was 16 years old. "So, what happened?"
"It's so stupid, I shouldn't even be annoyed by it but this group has the worst case of ADD. I got invited over for game night. I went over in comfy casual clothes, even took some games, and upon arrival, the girl in charge decided she wanted to have a bonfire and we were going to relocate. And since she is the kind of girl that always gets what she wants, and no one speaks up to her because she doesn't hear what other people say anyway, we end up doing what she says. So, now, instead of playing some games and getting to know each other, I'm heading home to change into warm clothes because it's 30 freaking degrees outside, and sit outside by a fire. Oh, and she wants to watch this guy shave his beard. Apparently, it is going to be hilarious."
"So, you're going to the bonfire? Why?"
"Because I want to have friends."
It wasn't much further into this discussion that I learned what I already knew... this group of people was not serving me in a sense to make me a better person or want to open up, this group of people was suffocating me and I was constantly going back after I got a little bit of air. "But, if Christians don't want to be friends with me, and Americans don't want to be friends with me...maybe I should just pack my bags and move to India or Thailand or somewhere and go on a spiritual quest. Maybe then I'll find the right people for my life."
This is something I've been deeply considering lately. Selling everything and going to a different country. I've even considered looking into teaching English overseas. But then I make excuses like I have a clingy and anxious cat who would not do well with separation. Oh, and my family is all here. Things like that. But I seriously wonder if the reason my life constantly feels like tires stuck in the mud is because maybe I'm on the wrong continent!
I went to the bonfire where I spoke a handful of words and took a trip down memory lane when I discovered the guy who got thrown into hosting the bonfire and I had a mutual connect... my first adult crush, the-we-became-friends-and-he-never-made-a-move-guy. We watched the guy get his beard shaved off and I kept trying to imagine how this was so exciting and funny. I even imagined me surrounded by some of my closest friends asking one of them to shave their beard off in front of us, but I still couldn't see the amusement in this event. Maybe it's because I come from a family where the guys grow a beard in the winter, and shave it off in the spring. This event seemed kind of normal yet unusual since we were watching him as one might watch an acrobat in the circus.
Once the person who had blocked my car in left, I took advantage of the chance of freedom and made my way home, ignoring the feelings of loneliness creeping in on me. I walked in my apartment to find my loyal and loving cat anxious to snuggle and so I sat down and she quickly found comfort in my arms. I rubbed her belly as she purred and said what I say to her every night, "it looks like it's just you and me for life."