It's Probably for the Best

I've been talking to a guy off and on for probably four years.  We've never met in person.  We chatted through an online dating site for a while but he was always too slow and I'd meet someone else before we'd even discuss meeting.  I'd delete my profile and move on.  Six months later, I'd sign up again, and say hello to my trusty old friend online.

A few weeks ago, I decided to get on this website just to say hello to him.  He was still there and so I sent him a message before he sent me his typical, "well, hello again" message.  I sent him a fiesty, "what, you are still here?" first.

We caught up, reminded each other a few things about each other that we'd forgotten.  He told me that he thought of me one time when he passed by a roller skating rink.  I took this as a good sign, considering I hadn't thought of him until I considered doing online dating again.

I lasted on the site for 3 days before inappropriate messages started talking over. (I get it, it's a free dating website but come on people, have a little decency and respect.  I would never walk up to the stranger and ask to see them naked...)  So I sent him a message including my phone number and wished him the best, if I never heard from him again.

I had hope for one day but my phone never beeped.

Three days later, I looked at my phone with amazement.  He texted me.  And we talked via text all night, and then the next night, and then the next night.  He suggested coffee, and maybe a movie, and I found myself getting more and more giddy with every text.

I was being patient, waiting for him to tell me when he would be free for this coffee meet up or possible movie.  We became facebook friends.  We sent each other stupid pictures. Two weeks went by.  Some days we would talk, other days we wouldn't, but when we did, it would be for hours.

The other night, in the midst of our lovely evening of texting, I told him I wanted to take him up on his coffee offer this weekend.

He responded with... "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.  You seem like a really, really nice girl but it's me."

WTF?

I reminded him that meeting for coffee was not establishing a relationship.  It was meeting for coffee, and that I just wanted to meet him in person.  There was no pressure of anything beyond a first in person meet up.

He told me there was too much wrong with him for him to be in a relationship.

Naturally, I was intrigued.

I tried to get him to open up but he shut me out.  So, I suggested he try to fix what was so wrong with him and I'd still like to get coffee sometime.

A few days went by and he didn't message me.  So yesterday, I sent him a message to see if he wanted to get that coffee sometime.

No response.  24 hours later...still no response.

I was disappointed....I am disappointed.  I told a few of my friends about this situation and most of them replied, "it's probably for the best.."  after all, he did say he wasn't ready for a relationship....

So yes, it's probably for the best I don't meet someone I'm actually interested in getting to know.
It's probably for the best I don't meet someone I'm attracted to.
It's probably for the best I stop talking to someone I've really enjoyed talking to the past few weeks.
It's probably for the best I don't meet someone with similar interests and beliefs.
It's probably for the best I don't put myself out there.
It's probably for the best I remain single.
It's probably for the best.

The thing is, all this time, I actually thought I was single because it was me and I went about furiously trying to "fix" myself so I'd be more dateable and desirable to the opposite sex.

What I'm starting to realize is the people around me keep discouraging me from meeting someone or giving it a shot.

They think it's for the best I don't get my heart involved, it's for the best I play it safe, it's for the best....

I understand they are trying to protect me from heartache and pain.

Is that probably for the best?

Random Act of Kindness Fail

If you follow me on Instagram, you probably know I'm currently doing a yoga challenge mixed with a kindness challenge.  It's the #KarmaCyclesKindess challenge there.  Every day, along with a yoga pose, we also suggest an act of kindness.  It's ranged from mailing out a card for someone to letting the person go in front of you in life to sending a text to a friend letting them know you are thinking of them.  Fairly simple kindness stuff that we should probably always do, but often forget to.

Since kindness as been on my mind a little more than normal, I saw a moment where I could really help someone out.  Let me set the scene.

I just pulled in my car to the parking lot of my apartment complex.  As I was getting out of my car, I noticed a young woman getting out of hers.  She had groceries in one hand, a baby in a carrier in the other, and was trying to figure out how to grab the door gate sitting on the trunk of her car.  I rushed over, and said, "Please let me help you!  You have so much stuff in your hands already."

"Really?" She hesitated, but then agreed and I grabbed the baby gate...which wasn't locked and swung open to full size.

"Whoa, wasn't expecting it to do that..." I said, laughing it off.  "Do you want me to carry some of your groceries?  I still have a free hand."

She declined.  I'm sure she was thinking I'd probably accidentally drop them since my first move was rather klutzy.  We made small talk as we walked up the sidewalk.  Her son was 9 months old and she'd just moved in the building in November.

The complex requires a key to get into the building.   It's a bit of a hassle and I often complain that if the landlord would just give us decent locks on our apartment doors, there would be no need for this extra security locked door entrance.  She agreed with my statement and added that it's impossible to open when you have your hands full.  She asked how I managed to carry in groceries, open the door and make it upstairs?  I admitted, I do it as fast as possible and I'm often out of breath by the time I get to my door.

I told her I would unlock the door since my hands were free.  I grabbed my keys and immediately dropped them.  I'm normally not this dropsy but for some reason, I really was this particular day!  Not only did I drop my keys, but the key to the main door somehow jammed up inside of the key ring.   I shook it but it didn't budge.  I shifted the other keys.  It wasn't coming out.

"Gosh, I'm sorry, I've been trying to be helpful but it's been nothing but a disaster."  I apologized.

"Here... just take my keys."  She said with a bit of frustration.  I opened the door and walked with her to her door, dropping the gate off and wishing her a good day.  She thanked me for my efforts and I headed on my way, somewhat wondering why karma wasn't making my act of kindness easy!

I had to take all my keys off the key chain in order to fix the key jam I'd managed to do earlier by dropping my keys, just so I could get in the door.  Once I made it in side, I sat down on my futon and thought... kindness is so much harder than it seems!

Fixed

Do you know what is really frustrating? When someone tells you that you can do better, or you need a better job, or you would look better if….etc. I understand people might be concerned about your well-being when they tell you these things but at the same time, all they are saying is, “you’re not good enough where you are at right now.” Yet, they never seem to care if you are actually happy where you are at the moment.

We live in a society where everyone has a quick fix. A society where there are constant updates and upgrades for newer and better. We are very materialistic society who brag about fancy cars and new phones, and get into relationships for a status title.

This isn’t helping how we treat other people.

People are not things, yet we treat them as if they are fixable and replaceable. If we are constantly trying to fix someone, we miss a pretty big part in the relationship with someone, and that is LOVING them for WHO they ARE, right now.

Whether we have it all together or are falling apart, no one can fix anyone else. Fixing is a one person and inside job, and it’s a journey to become satisfied with who you are in every stage of this crazy life. There is a fine line between encouraging someone to live at their full potential and telling them what they need to change to fit how you see them living their life.

I dated a guy once who told me he only dated women who needed to be fixed. I told him "he can’t fix people, especially if they don’t think they are broken. I used to want to fix people but then I saw it was more about how I wanted them to act than letting them be who they are."

Any time someone tries to help me “better” myself, I just want to scream out… “I don’t want to be fixed. I want to be loved.”

The next time you find yourself offering advice on how to get someone out of their messy situation, think about loving them instead. A hug will go a lot further than harsh words, love with go further than lashing out solutions, and understanding and respecting where they are in life will make a bigger difference than burdening them with how they can be good enough in society's standards. The only fix you can offer someone is love.

The Selfie Stick

I'm not going to lie... I feel a lot of pressure to write this story because I know when I write it, it has to be perfect!  However, if I don't write it now, it may never get written and that would be an even bigger disappointment than writing it poorly.  Gulp, so here it goes.

As most of you know, I love hiking and chasing waterfalls.  About two years ago, I realized there are waterfalls all over Ohio even though cities with names like Cuyahoga FALLS, Chagrin FALLS, Newton FALLS...etc never helped me to make this connection until I started looking for waterfalls.  Ever since then, I've made it my mission to see as many waterfalls in Ohio...and I think I'm doing a pretty fine job.

The final day of January, the weather in Ohio was spectacular.  Mid fifties with a little bit of wind.  Not normal temperatures for this time of year.  And when there is nice weather, you better believe that me and SJ are on some sort of outdoor adventure.  We ventured to the Wilmont area to see Dundee Falls.  I'd seen this one before however, after I went, I learned there was another one in the same area...unfortunately, I couldn't find anything via internet research, so I headed to Dundee Falls.

We went prepared for muddy ground, and I even grabbed the hiking stick which as been residing in my trunk for the last year.  I never use hiking sticks, and the only reason why I have this hiking stick is because a friend I used to go hiking with a lot, preferred hiking with sticks, and I kept it in my trunk since I usually drove to the place we'd hike.

I prefer to have free hands when I walk, however, I knew it was going to be super muddy, so I grabbed the stick.  About 1/8 of a mile in, I started regretting the hiking stick.  I needed free hands!  I needed to be able to grab branches while I climbed instead of holding on to a stick.  Stick or not, we made it safely to Dundee Falls.

We ventured down the stream for a while but decided we would go back and drive to the other parking spot to find the other waterfall.  According to SJ, if it took her friend Shawn 6 months to find it, there was no way we were going to find it on our first attempt.  Instead, we climbed up the side of the ledge and admired the view.  

I didn't take my "real" camera with me for this hiking adventure which turned out to be a major bummer.  However, I did take my tripod claw thingy...as I like to call it.  I don't really know what it's called, but it's an tripod for an iphone with gripper legs.

 I found it useful to wrap it around branches and take yoga selfies on my last hike, so I brought it along for this adventure.  SJ and I found a really pretty spot to do a random photo shoot and I pulled out my tripod claw thingy.  I looked around for a branch to hook it on, but there was nothing near where we were...however, I did have my hiking stick!

"Perfect, this will work!'  I twisted the claw on the stick and was ready to go, but SJ was in tears from laughing.

"You just made a selfie stick!!!!!"

And then we laughed for the next ten minutes.

We're pretty sure this is what actually happened when someone invented the selfie stick.  The hiking stick was no longer used for hiking, just for photos.  

And it worked great!

We ventured back to the car and took a left, and then another left, as Shawn had told SJ.  These were our directions to get to the other parking lot...only we quickly discovered, this wasn't accurate.  We drove around trying to figure out where to go next.  We knew nothing would be marked because nothing about this place is marked.  No trails, no parking signs, nothing.  It really is one of those, if you don't know where you are going, you'll never find it places.

Yet, somehow we found it.  (For the record, Shawn would have been right if SJ would have told him how we got to the first one....because from where we were at the second spot, it was a left and then another left to get back to where we started...)  

And boy, we were glad we did.

Talk about breathtaking!

We climbed back behind the frozen waterfall and felt the ice cold water that was melting drip over our hands.  It was magical!

And then, we pulled out the selfie stick and took some more pictures...of us laughing... because it's still funny.

My Co-Worker...Dorie.

Things in the shop are picking up.  In fact, they've gotten so busy that TWO part time people have been hired.  I was really excited about this for the mere fact the pressure of completing the entire orders on my own was gone!

The one lady is older and she is hilarious.  In fact, she might be the funniest person I've ever met.  (Sorry SJ, you are hilarious and still in the top 5)  When I first met her though, she told me she wasn't very smart and almost flunked kindergarten.

I thought she was joking.

The more I tried to train her, the more I realized she just didn't get it.  Nothing was "hitting home" yet, I persisted on teaching her the same thing in a variety of ways.  I even asked her if she was an audio learner, visual learner, hands on learner....etc....I just needed something to go by to help her understand.

She's been working two days a week and when she came in yesterday, she looked defeated.   She had taken her normal work day off because her cousin passed away so I thought maybe she was feeling down about that, and so I asked.  "Is everything okay?"

"You know, I just don't think I can do this anymore.  I don't know if it's my age or how physically hard this job is but I feel like rice krispies...all I do is snap, crackle and pop.  I really don't know how you do this every day.  I heard she was hiring someone else so I'm just gonna let her know that I'm the weakest link and I really did try.  You are a great teacher."

I give her a smile because I know how hard this job is however, I also know how much work we have to do and how desperate we are for any help, whether they can move fast or slow.  "When she said she was hiring, that didn't mean she was replacing you, I promise, when we went over the tasks for this week, your name was on a lot of them.  Maybe you can request some of the easier jobs or only one day a week?"   I offer the suggestion because I know my boss is going to panic when she gives her notice.

As I left work that day, I gave my coworker a wave goodbye and asked if I'd see her tomorrow, since she was on the schedule.  She shrugged and told me she'd call me and let me know.

This morning, I pulled into work and my coworker was waiting in her car.  I opened up the door and gave her a smile.  Without missing a beat, she said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm still here."  She fills me in on the talk and it went similar to our talk.  My boss told her we'd give her all the easy jobs....however, we still had the weeks plan of her tasks, which weren't so easy.  I did my best to alter the plans but we still had to get it done for the shipment.

It was in the mist of all this, this coworker decided to give out nicknames....my boss is Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke.  And I am Rose the Riveter.    (It's not so random... we have the picture hanging up in the shop)

But this is when I made the connection my coworker is Dorie.  Seriously.  She has no memory.  She's easily distracted.  She's always cracking jokes.  She is Dorie but in person!  I came to this conclusion because I just finished showing her how to do a new job, and this Miss Kitty asked her to help her a second by holding the trash can down so she could pull out the trash.  Dorie happily helped, and then emptied all the trash cans.  She finally came back to her original task and said, "Ok, I don't remember what I was doing.  First day on the job..."

Dorie did however tell Miss Kitty a few days ago that I needed a raise for putting up with her and training her and retraining her, and double checking everything.  It worked!  I was super excited about a well needed raise.

Anyway, we had a good laugh about calling her Dorie, then she asked us to never tell anyone her new nickname along with her real name because if anyone found out about it, they'd all agree 100% with me and call her Dorie for the rest of her life.

Later, I asked her why she didn't do stand up comedy because her comments are always so perfectly timed, and naturally, she answered with a comical response, without missing a beat.... "I'm too tired to stand up so I'd have to do it lying down."

Dorie.  

She keeps us laughing.  I really hope we can find some "easy" jobs for her because I really enjoy her humor.  However, after today and her "easy" jobs, she's still considering surrendering to old age, even though she knows we desperately need her help!

Yeah...um...About that...

It's been a very weird holiday season for me, mostly because I have a man-friend at this point in my life...and well, I don't know what to do with him.

See, I told him weeks ago that I don't have any feelings for him and if he were a guy I had feelings for, his response would have been super sweet... "I'm fighting for you and I'm not going anywhere, no matter how much you try to push me away..." but, because of my cold beating heart, I find it a bit...annoying.

However, he doesn't care and he would be happy with 1% of my heart and would gladly settle with that.  This also annoys me because I'm a passionate person and I want 100% of the heart of the guy who has 100% of mine.  (Unfortunately, I have 110% of my man-friends heart and I keep trying to give that percentage back!)

To prove the difference of our feelings, I'll share with you the gift I got for him...and the gifts he got for me.

I bought him a $12 apple pie.  Not only that, I made him drive 30 minutes to a different city so he could pick out the pie he wanted.  He doesn't really like sweets but he does like pie.  I didn't even get him a card.

He...on the other hand...gave me his old flat screen television, bought me a super soft blanket, and lovely sterling silver with small diamonds in the earrings and necklace.  He spent a little more than $12 on me.

He also got me a card... which I thought was a little over the top....but had I had feelings for this poor guy... all of this would have been a heart melting Christmas miracle.

I'm going to a New Years Eve party with him... one that I've been dreading since he asked me to go with him....but I figured since I didn't even see him on Christmas day... knowing he doesn't have family in this country and he would spend the holiday alone....I figured the least I could do was go to a party with him.  After the New Years though, I am going to have another talk with him and prove to him that I am a cold heartless woman and his love for me will never change that.

A Sticky Christmas Situation

Merry Christmas!  I hope you find yourself filled with love, happiness, warm moments, giggles, and making the best memories you possibly can.

My niece has been in town for almost a week.  Whenever she comes to town, life is very busy, filled with sweets, and very exhausting.  I get to see my niece a few times a year, so when we do see her, we are busy giving her so many new memories which wears us out...pretty quickly.  

She travels from relative to relative, having slumber parties with her Aunt Jennee, sleep overs at Grammy and Pappy's, and staying the night with Dad and Uncle B.   On Christmas Eve, she decided she wanted to stay with Grammy and Pappy since they had the tree that Santa would be dropping her presents at.  I also decided to stay at Grammy and Pappy's because I thought it would be much easier to roll out of bed and enjoy the moments of Christmas morning instead of hearing my phone go off as a wake up call, telling me to come over immediately so the niece could open some presents.

After the niece went to bed, it occurred to me that none of the presents from "Santa" were at Grammy's house.  And the niece is still a believer of the jolly old man in red.  We decided we'd tell her that Santa got confused and left them at Dad's house in the morning....only morning came....and there were presents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But after a quick inspection, she realized NONE of the gifts under the tree were from Santa.  She was devastated.  Santa had forgotten her.  Tears rimmed the corner of her eyes and she tried her best to hide her disappointment, but the sadness weighed her down as if a sumo wrestler was sitting on her shoulders.  I did my best to distract her.  I told her to get dressed and brush her teeth...but her mind stayed busy.

"Aunt Jennee, I think it was Pappy who drank the milk and ate the cookies because there's only presents from you and Grammy and Pappy under the tree."  She said with a heavy heart.  As soon as I had a free chance, I huddled with Grammy and Pappy, informing them of the about to lose her belief on Christmas morning!   A few minutes later, my mom and I were hiding in the bathroom and on the phone with "Santa" trying to thing of a clever plan.   "Maybe Santa left the presents in the garage...oh... the Christmas tree on the porch... yes, he couldn't fit thru the wood burner pipe!"

While we waited for Dad and Uncle B to arrive, the niece sat on my lap and said, "Aunt Jennee, I can't believe Santa forgot about us."   I gave her a hug and said not to worry, but I know it didn't bring her any comfort.  She was a child and Christmas didn't come!

And then the doorbell rang.   "Go get the door!!!"  I said with excitement, but it took me pushing her off my lap for her to go get the door.  She pulled open the door and not only saw Dad, but she saw all the gifts under the tree on the porch.

Her spirit soared!  Santa hadn't forgotten about her after all!  And how silly it was that we didn't look under any other Christmas trees around the house!  She skipped, she danced, she giggled, and she glowed.  Christmas was going to be wonderful after all.

But better than that.... it was DAD who bought her the present she wanted most, not Santa.

 And though she will figure out very soon that Santa is her family that loves her so dear, it's been so magical making her believe the man who loves to wear red and spreads happiness all around.

Merry Christmas friends.

May you all create some magic this holiday season.