Dinosaur Eye

I’m having a hard time enjoying life when I know my thyroid is four times larger than what it should be and that there are soft tissue lumps on my thyroid, however, I’m doing my best to stay positive by reminding myself that I tend to eat and live a healthy lifestyle.  Then the haunting words seep in, words like cancer, and how so many family members have had cancer…and luckily all also cancer survivors.  I’m not letting my mind wander at that option for long because it’s one of those—I’d rather cross that bridge IF I get there things.

So, I’m doing my best to go about everyday life and continue to make healthier choices by cutting out more sugar, more wheats, more meat, more processed food.  It’s making my work day a lot harder since I work with foods full of sugar, wheat, meat and processed. 

The other night I had a WILDTREE party.  For those unfamiliar with this company, they are an organic based food company with lots of food products to make cooking and eating healthy actually something easy to do.  There are no GMOs in their products and none of that other bad stuff.  Knowing the best thing I can do for my unresolved thyroid issue is eat organic, I’m thankful for this company. 

A few days before my party I remembered to invite my female friend Kyle.  She has some health issues that limit pretty much everything she eats.  Since I knew the products were better than most, I was thrilled to learn the foods in Wildtree’s catalog could be consumed by her.  We ended up talking more about our health and I told her about my recent diagnosis.  Since she is a traveling ultrasound technician, she said she would give me a quick ultrasound before the party to give me a little bit of peace of mind since my official ultra sound isn’t until May 6.

With the Wildtree consultant setting up, and the other early arrival, Kyle put the machine to my neck and we all looked to the computer screen. 

“Well, there’s your thyroid—whoa!”  Kyle said as she went slightly pale.

“So, that’s not good, is it?”  I do my best to remain calm but I’m relieved I’m doing this with close friends.

“You have a very large mass on your thyroid.” Kyle confirms.

“It looks like a dinosaur eye.”  I continue to look at the screen as I slow my breathing.

“What’s that color mean?” SJ asks as she looks over my shoulder and at the screen.

“Color isn’t good, is it?”  I ask but I already know by Kyle’s expression.

“IT could be benign.  Remember when I gave Deb a scare?  Hers wasn’t anything and she had color too.”  Kyle says, trying to comfort me.  “But, if it is something, you can have your thyroid removed, so it could be something fairly simple to fix.”

I nod my head but my eyes can’t leave the screen that looks like a dinosaur eye.  Since the ultra sound scan, I can find and feel my mass much easier.  It’s nearly the size of a golf ball.  And the only thing I can think is 1) How long has it been there?  2) What caused it to grow? And 3) How can I make it disappear and still keep my thyroid?

Naturally, financial issues keep sneaking in on me since I got a call from the financial consultant about my upcoming ultrasound.  I’ve been denied for Medicaid.  I’m really not sure what I’m going to do…and the not knowing if this large mass on my thyroid is cancerious or not, isn’t really helping.  But, like most things in the medical field, I have to hurry up to wait some more, and I don’t like the waiting part.

However, I’m glad I have a friend with a portable ultrasound machine to give me a heads up, a friend who works in a holistic chiropractic office who has a bundle of information on alternative health plans for whatever I might be going through,  and a few nurses in the family, makes me think I’ll be able to give as much information as I’ll need to make it through this, but most importantly, I have some friends who are being encouraging and supportive despite my insecurities at the moment.

And it's true...I've been nothing but a hot mess lately.  At least I kinda have an excuse to be...right?!?

The Unfair Disadvantage of Being a Writer

One of my friends is writing his third book and we have been in heated discussions about the proper use of commas, quotations, and other writing technicalities. Then, we talk about spelling errors, lousy feedback, and whether or not being an indie author is a good thing or not.

The more we discuss these things the more I wonder what the world has against writers.

It seems indie/self-published authors have a bad reputation.  The theory is the only reason indie authors are published is because they couldn't find a real publishing company to take on their story so they had to self-publish their work.

This isn't true at all.

Some people like the freedom of self-publishing, some people work better without the rules and regulations, and some people simply want to express themselves through the art of writing.  

And writing is just that...an art.

Sure, we can learn the proper placement of commas, point out spelling errors, and a variety of other thing as steps in honing the craft but writing is still an art from.

It's a talent.
It's a gift.
It's a blessing.

It's an expression.

It's not something that can be learned without allowing yourself to be a part of the evolution.  Writing is exhausting; emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.  To write well, you have to pour yourself 100% into writing at all times, day after day, hour after hour, project after project.  Not everyone understands why those with the passion of writing exclude themselves from company to write something down or keep a notebook that makes you look like a schizophrenic.

At the same time, writing is completely exhilarating because we allow so much of ourselves to be a part of the expression of words on a page.

So then, why do I think writers have a huge amount of pressure on them?  Because we do!  We have to satisfy ourselves through our writing and still satisfy the readers and the critics.  Others have high expectations of us with our usage of grammar and our artistic ability or story-telling and mixing words on a page.  We have certain word counts to make a "legit" novel and those who do go through a proper publishing company are told how to rewrite their story so it will become a money making product instead of an expression of art.

Doesn't it seem unfair?  

But what about that small budget movie maker who wants to display his talent at the indie film festival?  That's okay because that person is an artist, right?  But wouldn't that mean they aren't good enough to get into Hollywood so they take a cop-out to work in their desired profession because MGM didn't hire them?

And what about that band that plays at the bar on Friday nights?  You listen to their self-produced album constantly because the music is so raw, so authentic, and their talent...wow, you'd love to hear them on the radio someday.   Are they ruining their chances of making it big with their record releases on their own label instead of something Simon Cowell produced?

Instead of being able to use indie author experience on our writing resume, it makes us look like a sell out, when, like many other artists, we are using it as a chance to expose our talent until we "hit it big." 

I love to write and I am very bashful about sharing my talent beyond the blogging world because of these stereotypical issues.  People have told me I should go to college so I can be a better writer if that's what I want to do with my life because then, I'd at least have a degree... and that suddenly makes me a best-selling author.  That's how it's supposed to work, right?

I have a friend who teaches creative writing 101 or whatever her course is called.  She constantly posts her students flaws, mistakes, and other ridiculous things they've written.  Because of her posts, I refuse to ever take a college course on writing.  She can easily tell them what is wrong with each paragraph and this bothers me she's posting it on social media, exposing their "mistakes".  Her students are people in pursuit of their dreams and no matter how creative they are, it doesn't fit in the handbook of how to be an author.

Writing is as much as an art form as painting is yet it isn't recognized as such.  If an indie film maker can find his picture, and a unknown musician can find his song, then a writer should be able to write in their own voice — even if that means breaking some of the rules.  

My View

When I left for work this morning, my mom reminded me to take my lunch with me.  We both packed salads for lunch; mine with ranch dressing, hers had balsamic-vinaigrette.  She brought my lunch over and placed it in my hands while I grabbed my keys and headed to work.

Most days I eat my lunch in my car.  I drive across the street from where I work and sit in the parking lot.  Since the sun was out today and the temperature was in the 50's, I had my window cracked and was enjoying the beautiful November weather.  

I grabbed my salad, pulled out my fork, popped off the lid to my tupperware container and saw I had the wrong salad!  I HATE balsamic-vinaigrette dressing!  I choked down the salad and mid bite, a man walked by and he saw my window was down.  "Got an extra fork?"  He yells.

Thinking he actually needed a fork, I tell him I actually do have an extra fork because I keep plastic forks in my car since I often forget to pack a fork, and then I realized he didn't have any food in his hand.  

Ohhhhh, haha, blonde moment...

"Just saying, it looks like a good lunch."  He said and walked away.  I couldn't help but laugh as I was thinking the salad was ruined.  And that's when it occurred to me that everything changes because of someone's point of view.  Like someone behind a camera, we direct the lens to see what we want to see, we focus in on the detail, or snap a scenic landscape.  There is nothing wrong with my point of view, or anyone else point of view as long as we remember it makes sense in someone else's mind even when it doesn't make sense in ours.

So I pulled out my camera and snapped my own photo which described my view.  I angled the camera so I could capture my view as artistically as I saw fit and hit the shutter.  Although the picture might not mean anything to you, to me, I simply see another image from my point of view.

I've been struggling with depression and rejection for a while now and I'm struggling at celebrating the joys of life.  In order to add a little more "color" to my life, I'm doing a 360 turn and putting more art and creativity in my life.  The goal is simple: to post a picture every day.  I've toyed with the idea of following lists but as the inspiration comes (or goes) I'll figure out what I want to do.

I can't promise I'll post every day but I'm going to try.

I also want to include some sort of writing each day, sometime as simple as a journal entry that either explains the photo or a poem inspired by the photo.  On days I'm not feeling creative at all, there might not be much of anything to say!

I'm going to start a journey of exploring my creative side and really embracing my life as a struggling artist.  This way, I am staying true to my passions, true to myself and finding more reasons to celebrate life.

Create and celebrate

what we create

what others create

and what God creates

Look all around

up to the stars

down to the ground 

see all the art

in you 

and in me

why not start

and create and celebrate