Loser in Aisle 11

I recently binged watched Stranger Things on Netflix.  It was wonderful and the boy who plays Dustin is the CUTEST kid ever.  One of my friend,s who also got hooked on Stranger Things is convinced that if I were ever to have a son, he would look like Dustin.   I'm pretty sure she is right. 

 (Let's refer back to this post someday when I have a son and we will compare photos.)

Anyway, once I finished the season, I remembered I needed some almond milk from the store.  Even though this is my month of making everything from scratch, I haven't gotten everything from the store that I need to make almond milk, and it has to sit over night.  So, as you can see, I made the exception.  I do intended to make it sometime this month.  

I jotted down a few other things I needed from the store before I made my way out for the day.  As I was filling my cart, I took a moment to look down at my cart and that's when it hit me.  I was a total loser.  Like double L7 weenie kind of loser.

In my cart, I had....

almond milk

cat litter

a grow light

bird feed

and

spoons

Could we stamp single loser on my forehead and call it a day?

The thing is, I only let this sad, woe is me, moment last for a moment.  Instead of feeling bad about being a loser, I embraced it.  I like almond milk. I like when my apartment doesn't smell like cat poo. I want my avocado tree to make it thru the winter,. I like watching Prim watch the birds, and lastly. my spoons grew legs and walked away and I literally don't have one spoon in my silverware drawer.

I've been a loser for a while now and I'm finally okay with it. 

This morning at work, one of my coworkers was going on and on about how she loves Australian men.  She said if she were single she would be there trying to find a man, after all, she "would make a horrible single person."

My other coworker chimed in sharing that she would also be a horrible single person.

Wanting to feel included in the conversation, I said, "and apparently I am really good at being single."

A quick, "yeah you are" was said before the awkward hush filled the room.   After the long, awkward moment, another stab was made, "you know, that isn't something you want to be good at."

I nodded.

The thing is, I would rather be good at being single than be a desperate and clingy woman who would settle for anyone just so they don't have to be single.  I know too many women who settle for being a Mrs. instead of chasing happily ever after.  They stay in empty and unhappy marriages fantasizing about men in Australia.

It didn't stop there.  Next, they talked about how I have to use online dating and end up dating men who might be terrorists.  (Yes, I dated a guy from the Middle East for a while.  No, he isn't a terrorist.)

I may not have dates very often, and I might spend too much money on my plants and cat, but to be honest, I would rather be a loser than be someone who isn't true to who they are deep down inside.

I am a loser and really good at being single.

This is me owning it.

My Body is Physical and Spiritual... What about Everything Else?

I grew up in a Christian household.  I was raised to believe that premarital sex is bad.  Tattoos are bad.   Alcohol is bad.  Drugs are bad.  I was taught these things were bad because my body is a temple and God resides in the temple.  Therefore, sins like sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll were not allowed.  (Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

I was taught that taking time for yourself and self-care was selfish and narcissistic. I was taught to be a people pleaser and to go out of my way to help others, even if it went unnoticed.  In fact, if it went unnoticed, it was a greater blessing to God because if it had been noticed, the praise would go to me and my head and not to God. (Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. - Philippians 2-2-5)

I'm not saying any of these things are wrong but I was never taught in order to fully serve people, you have to take care of yourself too.  While my body is a temple and I am to honor God with how I live my life in the physical world, I was never taught to properly take care of myself because spending too much time taking care of myself was a sign of vanity.  Because I never learned this lesson, I struggle with the people pleasing side effects of trying to pour from an empty cup.  I give until I run on empty and then have to find ways to fill the void.

This is where I lack in my Christian faith because I've always been taught that God is the answer to my empty cup and if I would just spend more time with Him and His Word, I would never feel moments of loneliness, emptiness, and feeling lost. My faith knows where I will spend eternity, my faith knows that I am loved unconditionally by my Creator, my faith knows God is in control... so to me, an empty cup is not a sign that I need to focus on my faith.  An empty cup is a sign that I need to properly fill my body.

My body is a temple.

My HUMAN body.  My body is both physical and spiritual.  This body needs rest, food, and physical touch.  This body needs love, kindness, and compassion... from others and myself.   This body needs to heal.  This body needs so much in order to be a temple for God.

When I first started doing yoga, people thought I had abandoned my faith and that I had gone off the crazy end because I was meditating.  Ironically, yoga has helped me keep my faith instead of abandoning it when I started questioning my existence and purpose behind it.  It was during my yoga journey that I discovered how important self-care and self-love are in life.

I couldn't be a temple for God to reside in if I didn't love myself.  And I didn't want God in a body as unhealthy as mine.  He didn't deserve to be in that mess of self-hatred, anger, and hurt.  I didn't treat my body like a temple.  I treated it like a death trap.

I was never taught to eat like my body was a temple.  The more I learn about all the chemicals in and on our foods, the less I want to put them in my physical body because of health reasons, but looking at it in a spiritual light (thanks to profound incite from Joel Salatin and his book, The Marvelous Pigness of Pigs), I wouldn't bring anything but the best food to God's temple, so why do I put harmful foods in my body because it costs a few dollars less?  I'm starting to look at food as a moral issue.  Is food as much of a spiritual issue as abstaining from premarital sex or getting a tattoo?  I think it is up there.

In Genesis, we learn that whatever God created was good.  He created food and in the beginning it was pure.  Now, what we eat in this day and age is hardly classified as food.  To get back to God and his creation in the physical world would mean eating purer and cleaner foods.

I believe it was C.S. Lewis (not positive) who said "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."  The more I live and grow, through yoga, through clean eating, through self-love.,.. the more I realize EVERYTHING is spiritual, and we are lucky enough to be a part of it.

Perfect Match

I've analyzed many things in my head but the one I probably obsess over the most is how and why I am single.

And then I realized the answer as I was getting ready to meet a guy from match.com on Saturday night.

Dating gives me anxiety.   It used to be about whether or not I was good enough or attractive enough because I was stuck in a world ruled by societies view of me.  And then it was about what everyone else would think about me being in a relationship and if my friends and family would approve of the person I was dating (which they never have so I've gotten over that anxiety).

Then, as I was standing in my kitchen, falling back into bad habits of emotional eating as a way to fix my anxiety, I realized that it's never the actual date itself that gives me anxiety.  It's all the possibilities that come along with a date.

Like, was the guy I was about to meet going to be the freaking love of my life?  Would I immediately fall head over heels in love with him?  Would we run off and get married and have children?  Would we grow old together?  Would we pick out plots side by side in the grave yard?  Or, would he be a dud?  Would it be another long evening filled with disappointments?  Would it be so bad that I start to question why I'm even looking for love to begin with?  Did I even want marriage and children after being alone for so long?  What was I even doing?

These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head as I was making another microwaved smore which is not on my current eating plan.  Don't worry, I got a few veggies with my salsa that I had a little bit later.

Even after all the progress I've made in overcoming my emotional eating, binge snacking, and many other unhealthy ways, I found myself throwing it all out the window because of a date.  Did I want to make myself less desirable because if I felt bad on the inside then I wouldn't look as good on the outside?  Was it because deep down I don't think I'm good enough to be desired for longer than a few months, that I'd become a bore after a while?  Or is it just the fear of the unknown future that cripples me?

By the end of my date on Saturday night, I knew my previous emotional eating was added calories that'll I'll have to work even harder to get off.   The date was a dud.  Well, actually, I had a lot of fun at the Ashland Balloonfest but he was a dud.  He was a complete bore.  He was a home body who'd never taken a single risk in his life.  He was so dull he didn't even have any hobbies or interests.

A few days prior to this date, I let my 10-year-old niece play on my phone.  She likes using all the snapchat filters.  Especially the one that makes her look like a cute little puppy.  She saw that I had the match app on my phone.  "Aunt Jennee!  WHAT is THAT doing on YOUR phone?!?!!?"

I coolly responded, "Aunt Jennee is looking for a boyfriend so she can someday get married and have little cousins for you to play with."  This answer put a smile on her face.

"Can I help you look?"

"GLADLY!"  I responded immediately, though her dad was not too keen on the idea of her looking at older men, even if it was to help her aunt find true love.

"That one is too old, he has too many tattoos, and he looks scary...."  We quickly went through all the matches of the day.  Whenever she would come across one that she wasn't sure about if I would be interested in him or not, I would say, can you see me hanging out with this guy? This pattern repeated every day I saw her and while she was scanning the searches, her dad was giving me the evil eye.

One day, she looked up from my phone....
"Aunt Jennee, I found someone for you.  I think he is your perfect match!"

My ears perked up.  "Oh really?!?!"

She pulled up his profile.  "Look, he's 6'0" tall, he's a Christian, he loves hiking and going to the gym, and he's looking for someone JUST LIKE YOU!"  She excitedly tells me as she points out his preferences of a woman 25-35 within 50 miles of Mansfield.  "He wants someone who has dark brown hair!  You have dark brown hair!  And look, he was in the military.  I think you should wink at him.  Can you wink at him pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeeee?"

Her eyes sparkled as she hit the wink button for me.  We set the phone aside and went back to whatever we were doing prior to the quest for my true love.  A few minutes later, my niece summons me into the other room.  In a voice just a hint louder than a whisper, she said, "Aunt Jennee, I really think the military guy is your perfect match.  Do you think he will email you?"  She was as serious as a 10 year-old can get. "He's a Christian too.  You guys would be so perfect together!"

We both blush at the thought and get back to playing.

Though I haven't received any new messages from anyone on match, I find myself calm and ready for love it were to come my way.  I just hope I can find ways to calm the anxiety of the actual dating part so I can someday make it that far.

But at least I have my niece keeping her eyes open for me.  (Seriously, every time she takes my phone I have to check and see how many guys she "winked" at on match for me!  I do have to say, she seems to know my type because everyone she's picked for me does seem like a pretty good match.)

Online Dating is Just Like Online Business

The two of you who read this blog already know that I have an online health and fitness business, which has been growing enough for me to give my team a little pep talk.  I thought this pep talk was too good not to share, so enjoy!

So, I kinda had a moment today when I was thinking about whether or not I should get back into online dating or not.  Let’s compare online dating to our online business.

When it comes to online dating, you really have to put yourself out there.  Like really…. Because everyone on the other side of the screen is completely judging you by your profile picture…and if they even read your profile, it better be convincing.  If it isn’t… you deal with a lot of rejection and shut doors… even if you really are a great catch. 

And then you see someone who really catches your eye and you send a little hello…conversation is flowing and you can’t wait to meet so you say “let’s meet up for coffee” but then the messages slow down and instead of acting like you would in real life and just take it one day at a time… online it’s different… time is ticking, you could be missing another minute with your soul mate…and so you lose patience and become that whiny, “why don’t you like me, are you not interested in me, are you talking to someone else…” Suddenly you have a complex and you decide dating really isn’t for you anyway, even though there is that slight hope that…if only someone would give you a chance…..nudging in the back of your mind.

But let’s say you do meet someone for coffee, and it turns into date number 2, date number 3…oh man, things are starting to get serious… like announce your relationship status to facebook… all you do is post pictures about how in love you are and how happy you are….but again, on the other side of the screen people are wondering….are they a good match, are they really that happy or are they just putting on a show?  Then heartbreak….delete profile, delete pictures, block number…solitude.  You decide you are better off as an old spinster and never give love a chance again…because why bother when it’s always going to end?  Yet that little spark of HOPE never leaves you…because maybe someday, it’ll happen…if you just keep being you.  You don’t when it will happen, so you put yourself out there again, hoping you have found the one.

So, online business…. We have to put ourselves out there.  And even though we might be feeling a little desperate, you can never show that desperation because it’s a big turn off.  You deal with a lot of rejection.  Sometimes people are immediately turned off because they think all you want to do is make a sale, and…some might just not be that in to you…so you put on your adult underwear and you take on the day.  You post your progress pictures, you show the world you are making a difference…and then you hit a wall.  You didn’t reach your goals.  You didn’t advance in rank.  You rushed into it based on a feeling and ignored logic.  So, you think about quitting….but you KNOW you can do this deep down inside of you, and so you post a CTA and you plant another seed because you know you’ll be a great leader as soon as someone gives you the chance.

All this to say…believe in yourself because any moment, you could turn someone’s life around and live happily ever after.

It's Probably for the Best

I've been talking to a guy off and on for probably four years.  We've never met in person.  We chatted through an online dating site for a while but he was always too slow and I'd meet someone else before we'd even discuss meeting.  I'd delete my profile and move on.  Six months later, I'd sign up again, and say hello to my trusty old friend online.

A few weeks ago, I decided to get on this website just to say hello to him.  He was still there and so I sent him a message before he sent me his typical, "well, hello again" message.  I sent him a fiesty, "what, you are still here?" first.

We caught up, reminded each other a few things about each other that we'd forgotten.  He told me that he thought of me one time when he passed by a roller skating rink.  I took this as a good sign, considering I hadn't thought of him until I considered doing online dating again.

I lasted on the site for 3 days before inappropriate messages started talking over. (I get it, it's a free dating website but come on people, have a little decency and respect.  I would never walk up to the stranger and ask to see them naked...)  So I sent him a message including my phone number and wished him the best, if I never heard from him again.

I had hope for one day but my phone never beeped.

Three days later, I looked at my phone with amazement.  He texted me.  And we talked via text all night, and then the next night, and then the next night.  He suggested coffee, and maybe a movie, and I found myself getting more and more giddy with every text.

I was being patient, waiting for him to tell me when he would be free for this coffee meet up or possible movie.  We became facebook friends.  We sent each other stupid pictures. Two weeks went by.  Some days we would talk, other days we wouldn't, but when we did, it would be for hours.

The other night, in the midst of our lovely evening of texting, I told him I wanted to take him up on his coffee offer this weekend.

He responded with... "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.  You seem like a really, really nice girl but it's me."

WTF?

I reminded him that meeting for coffee was not establishing a relationship.  It was meeting for coffee, and that I just wanted to meet him in person.  There was no pressure of anything beyond a first in person meet up.

He told me there was too much wrong with him for him to be in a relationship.

Naturally, I was intrigued.

I tried to get him to open up but he shut me out.  So, I suggested he try to fix what was so wrong with him and I'd still like to get coffee sometime.

A few days went by and he didn't message me.  So yesterday, I sent him a message to see if he wanted to get that coffee sometime.

No response.  24 hours later...still no response.

I was disappointed....I am disappointed.  I told a few of my friends about this situation and most of them replied, "it's probably for the best.."  after all, he did say he wasn't ready for a relationship....

So yes, it's probably for the best I don't meet someone I'm actually interested in getting to know.
It's probably for the best I don't meet someone I'm attracted to.
It's probably for the best I stop talking to someone I've really enjoyed talking to the past few weeks.
It's probably for the best I don't meet someone with similar interests and beliefs.
It's probably for the best I don't put myself out there.
It's probably for the best I remain single.
It's probably for the best.

The thing is, all this time, I actually thought I was single because it was me and I went about furiously trying to "fix" myself so I'd be more dateable and desirable to the opposite sex.

What I'm starting to realize is the people around me keep discouraging me from meeting someone or giving it a shot.

They think it's for the best I don't get my heart involved, it's for the best I play it safe, it's for the best....

I understand they are trying to protect me from heartache and pain.

Is that probably for the best?

Random Act of Kindness Fail

If you follow me on Instagram, you probably know I'm currently doing a yoga challenge mixed with a kindness challenge.  It's the #KarmaCyclesKindess challenge there.  Every day, along with a yoga pose, we also suggest an act of kindness.  It's ranged from mailing out a card for someone to letting the person go in front of you in life to sending a text to a friend letting them know you are thinking of them.  Fairly simple kindness stuff that we should probably always do, but often forget to.

Since kindness as been on my mind a little more than normal, I saw a moment where I could really help someone out.  Let me set the scene.

I just pulled in my car to the parking lot of my apartment complex.  As I was getting out of my car, I noticed a young woman getting out of hers.  She had groceries in one hand, a baby in a carrier in the other, and was trying to figure out how to grab the door gate sitting on the trunk of her car.  I rushed over, and said, "Please let me help you!  You have so much stuff in your hands already."

"Really?" She hesitated, but then agreed and I grabbed the baby gate...which wasn't locked and swung open to full size.

"Whoa, wasn't expecting it to do that..." I said, laughing it off.  "Do you want me to carry some of your groceries?  I still have a free hand."

She declined.  I'm sure she was thinking I'd probably accidentally drop them since my first move was rather klutzy.  We made small talk as we walked up the sidewalk.  Her son was 9 months old and she'd just moved in the building in November.

The complex requires a key to get into the building.   It's a bit of a hassle and I often complain that if the landlord would just give us decent locks on our apartment doors, there would be no need for this extra security locked door entrance.  She agreed with my statement and added that it's impossible to open when you have your hands full.  She asked how I managed to carry in groceries, open the door and make it upstairs?  I admitted, I do it as fast as possible and I'm often out of breath by the time I get to my door.

I told her I would unlock the door since my hands were free.  I grabbed my keys and immediately dropped them.  I'm normally not this dropsy but for some reason, I really was this particular day!  Not only did I drop my keys, but the key to the main door somehow jammed up inside of the key ring.   I shook it but it didn't budge.  I shifted the other keys.  It wasn't coming out.

"Gosh, I'm sorry, I've been trying to be helpful but it's been nothing but a disaster."  I apologized.

"Here... just take my keys."  She said with a bit of frustration.  I opened the door and walked with her to her door, dropping the gate off and wishing her a good day.  She thanked me for my efforts and I headed on my way, somewhat wondering why karma wasn't making my act of kindness easy!

I had to take all my keys off the key chain in order to fix the key jam I'd managed to do earlier by dropping my keys, just so I could get in the door.  Once I made it in side, I sat down on my futon and thought... kindness is so much harder than it seems!

Fixed

Do you know what is really frustrating? When someone tells you that you can do better, or you need a better job, or you would look better if….etc. I understand people might be concerned about your well-being when they tell you these things but at the same time, all they are saying is, “you’re not good enough where you are at right now.” Yet, they never seem to care if you are actually happy where you are at the moment.

We live in a society where everyone has a quick fix. A society where there are constant updates and upgrades for newer and better. We are very materialistic society who brag about fancy cars and new phones, and get into relationships for a status title.

This isn’t helping how we treat other people.

People are not things, yet we treat them as if they are fixable and replaceable. If we are constantly trying to fix someone, we miss a pretty big part in the relationship with someone, and that is LOVING them for WHO they ARE, right now.

Whether we have it all together or are falling apart, no one can fix anyone else. Fixing is a one person and inside job, and it’s a journey to become satisfied with who you are in every stage of this crazy life. There is a fine line between encouraging someone to live at their full potential and telling them what they need to change to fit how you see them living their life.

I dated a guy once who told me he only dated women who needed to be fixed. I told him "he can’t fix people, especially if they don’t think they are broken. I used to want to fix people but then I saw it was more about how I wanted them to act than letting them be who they are."

Any time someone tries to help me “better” myself, I just want to scream out… “I don’t want to be fixed. I want to be loved.”

The next time you find yourself offering advice on how to get someone out of their messy situation, think about loving them instead. A hug will go a lot further than harsh words, love with go further than lashing out solutions, and understanding and respecting where they are in life will make a bigger difference than burdening them with how they can be good enough in society's standards. The only fix you can offer someone is love.