Motivation Monday

I used to hate my body.  No, wait, I was disgusted with my body.  More than that, I hated myself because of how I looked on the outside.  I did not have a healthy self-esteem.  For years, I convinced myself if I'd get to a certain weight or size then I would love myself but the self hatred hated me so much I couldn't change anything about my body.  I remained miserable until one day I had had enough.

I made myself find one thing that I loved about my body and do you know what it was?  It was my cheesy and slightly crooked smile with the gap between the front teeth.  And then I realized I loved the two moles beside my left eye.  And then it was my nose... and so on, until I realized that I actually loved my looks and flaws.  They were me and mine.  The thing was, I wasn't taking care of myself, and so I started making slow changes in my daily life, breaking bad habits and starting better ones.

It's a journey I'm still on but I'll tell you one thing, taking care of myself and creating my own happiness was one of the healthiest choices I have ever made.  I work out because I love my body.  I make healthy choices because I love feeling good.  I changed my lifestyle to be positive and happy instead of always being sad and depressed.

Are you taking care of your body because you love it?  Or are you destroying your body because you hate it?  Are you working out in hopes of having a body you love?  Because if you are, you won't ever find it.  You have to love what you already have and if you want maybe you'll shine it up, or tone up, a little bit, but do it because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself.

So tell me, what do you love about your body?

Starting Over Again

A few years ago, I realized it was time to get healthy.  I was overweight, and I'd struggled to get the weight off for years, but then I finally had an epiphany and realized that being healthy was more important than being skinny.  I started making changes.  I moved more, and made healthier choices.  

I would love to tell you that I saw immediate results on my body, but I didn't.  Sure, I was feeling better, looking better, my acne wasn't as bad, I didn't have bad morning breath, and my confidence was boosting, but I wasn't seeing the physical results I thought I would see.

Fast forward ten years of battling with my weight and discovering a large nodule on my neck. Insert fear, getting tested for cancer, and having an eye opening experience that if I don't focus more on my health and well-being, I won't ever get any better.

Even though I thought I was being healthy...as it turns out, I was not being healthy at all.  I was making excuses and making up for them by eating salads.  However, once I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, I started learning more about the importance of living a healthy lifestyle.  In the last year, I've learned more about clean eating and once I gave up gluten and dairy, and took supplements to help my thyroid and my body started changing.  Those physical results I was looking for over the last ten years, showed up in three months!  

I maintained my weight loss until the holidays, and then, I decided to give myself a break.  Back to sugar, back to junk food... and soon, back to depression and feeling horrible.  It's taken me almost six months to cut everything back out again, so I'm starting over...again.

I'm not mad at myself for gaining a little weight back.  I've stayed active and I've acknowledged when I've been bad.  The whole point is to work at it one day at a time, and that is exactly what I plan to do.

I am going to start up a 7 day clean eating group on facebook and I'm searching for workout buddies (ah hem SJ) or accountability partners.  I've learned it is so much easier to succeed at everything when you have a great support group around you, and that is what I am looking for.  I know I am the only one who can make the changes I need to make, but it'll be so much better knowing I have friends who have my back and beg me to keep moving...and put down the ice cream.

Girls Day

The other day, a carful of ladies, traveled from Wooster to nearly Cincinnati to do a little shopping.  Three hours of road tripping, snacks, and gossip, and we were at the outlet mall minutes after it opened.  We drove this distance because we are all fans of the Cabi clothing line, and since you have to have at home parties to get Cabi clothing, we had to check out the Cabi outlet mall that is in our state. 

As it turns out, the Cabi outlet store carries all the extra clothes from a couple seasons ago, so I've made a mental note to check out this store in another year, so I can get the other pieces I've been keeping an eye on.  Unfortunately, Cabi clothing doesn't really fit my budget, but I have splurged for a few pieces, and I love them so much.  Going to a Cabi store where everything is 40% off the lowest price... now that's my kind of shopping.

 

So, I admit, I've put on a little bit of weight recently... which doesn't make sense because I've been doing good, and working out, and cutting back... ugh, so, I wasn't thrilled to see majority of the clothes in the store marked as XS and Small.  My selection of purchases was much small, and I had a pretty small budget since I knew I was going to be purchasing a new car in a few days.

Luckily, I had another plan beyond shopping.  My wonderfully fantastic BFF from Miami, Jessica, had moved to Cincinnati two weeks earlier, and I demanded we hang out and I could finally meet her four year old daughter.  The plan worked, because less than an hour after arriving to the shopping center, I was out of money!



Passed on this one.

Yep, got this outfit. 


 

When Jessica and I finally found each other via text messaging scavenger hunting, we picked off exactly as if we hadn't gone 2 years without seeing each other, and her daughter... oh, she is a ham, and a handful.  We caught up on our lives, which didn't take long since we talk to each other all the time, but it was so good having a conversation face to face.

 

 

She wasn't able to stay very long since her daughter had an upcoming nap (which I was slightly jealous of) and she had to get back to job searching, but it was still a wonderful visit.  We parted ways and I eventually found my shopped out and hungry friends...(we all got the memo to wear white but no, we didn't do a picture...) and we left the shopping outlet and devoured a late lunch at Cracker Barrel.

 

Carb overload later, we hopped back in the car and headed north for Wooster.  It was a lot of fun and I hope we do it again soon, and hopefully when I have a bigger shopping budget!



Burton Blurberry

About eight months ago, I had my lemon of a car, Ollie, in the shop...again.  The mechanic gave me his honest opinion and suggest $2,000 worth of work on it but not to bother because my car wasn't worth investing that much money in to.  So, he diagnosed Ollie and told me he had six months to live.

Ollie is terminal.  It's evident.  He sounds like he could go at any moment.  He leaks coolant, power steering, and who knows what else. He's deep voice rumbles and grumbles, and he has a bad case of the shakes.  It's time for him to go, to find his rest, to get buried under ground.

And I couldn't be more thrilled.  Ollie has been nothing but a financial burden to me.  He got me around town, and we made a lot of good memories, listened to some great cassette tapes, had a few long good night kisses, and even toted up my bike so I could do a few bike trails.  Yes, Ollie, we've had a rough time together, but we've had some good times as well.

The other day, one of my regular customers sat down at the bar and started up a conversation with me.  "Jen, I hear you are looking for a car."

"Why, yes, yes I am."  My ears perked up as he told me about the 2008 Chevy Aveo with 62,500 miles on in, 26 in town miles per gallon, 36 highway miles per gallon.  He spouted off so much information, my head started to hurt.  "I would love to take a look at it, but what are you asking?"

He told me the price and for the first time since looking for cars, I actually thought, I can almost afford that one.  I set up a time to look at it, and took my brother with me so I could get his opinion (since cars overwhelm me and I don't know what to look for or ask about when looking to buy a car).  We pulled into the driveway and I saw the bright blue little car, "Oh wow, that is really small...I mean, I knew it was small, but wow, it's really small."

I told myself I needed a new car more than I needed a car that I wanted and couldn't afford.  I kept a positive attitude while I turned the windshield wipers on...before realizing shifting gears was done elsewhere.  Everything was backwards from Ollie and I'm sure I looked like a prize idiot in front of Fred and Deb while I tried to figure out how to get their car out of their driveway for a test drive.

A block later, I realized the little blue car wasn't so bad, in fact, I kinda liked it.  I was feeling spoiled.  It had air conditioning, cup holders, and a CD player.  I excitedly pointed these things out to my brother and he told me, "you really need to have higher expectations in life, these things aren't that exciting."

But to me, they are really exciting.  I think B sometimes forgets how I'm used to having less than more.  I haven't had air conditioning for 8 years, I haven't had a CD player for 10 years, and cup holders, you have no idea how much you miss them until you only have a broken one that only holds jumbo size cups, but then tip over because they are too big and un-proportional to the cup holder.

After the test drive where my brother thought of everything and I thought to pop the gas door, we realized it was a decent little car... and the gas door was broken.  Yep, the one thing I "tested" was broken...and we had to figure out how to close it to get it back to Fred and Deb's.

Back at their home, we went over every little thing.  Fred pointed out the rust spot, and a few other flaws, but assured me it was a good little car.  I told him I planned to buy it but I needed to check with the bank first about getting a loan, and I wouldn't be able to get to that until Tuesday. 

On Tuesday, I went to the bank to request a car loan.  I quickly learned that they don't do loans for anything under $5,000.  This put a damper on my plans.  I had half of the amount of the car in cash already, and I had almost the other half in savings, but I didn't want to liquidate everything for the car.  My parents said they'd loan me some, and when we got a totally amount of the cash collected, we counted it up and I was $400 short. 

"I'll run to the bank and take it out of savings."  I told my mom and headed to the bank.  The bank closed at 4:30 and it was 4:45 p.m., all I could do was get $200 from the ATM.

$200 short and supposed to meet Fred at 5:00 p.m.  I called my brother, and I wasn't sure if he still hated me from our hiking adventure or not, so I eased into the conversation.  "Hey brother, do you hate me?"

"Are you calling because you need money for the car?  And no, I was a being baby the other day."  He assured me.

"Well, yes and no.  I mean, I have the money but I can't get to it, but I didn't want to use all of it, so I could use some money but I really need some cash right now..."  I rambled somewhat coherent sentences.

"All my money is in the bank." 

I felt my shoulders sag.  I wasn't going to be able to get the car that day.  My mom made her appearance a few minutes later, she handed me an envelope with cash.  "I couldn't get enough money, I can't buy the car today."  I informed her. 

She dug out her wallet.  "How much more do you need?"

"I'm $200 short."

She pulls out a stash of cash folded up in her wallet.  "I don't really want to use this money..."  But she counts it anyway.

"$160."  She hands it over.

"Why is it so hard to find cash right now?!?!"  I scream in frustration, while my mom pulls out two more $5 from another hiding spot in her wallet.  And then my mind starts functioning.   I pulled out my wallet and saw that I had a ten.  We were at $180, and till $20 short."

AHHH, wait! Wait!  I remembered I found a $20 bill behind my license the other day.  I didn't recall spending it.  I knew it was an emergency stash, and I felt this was an emergency.  And sure enough, there it was.  We had miraculously come up with the $200 cash.

I headed to Fred and Deb's with a very thick envelope of cash, and we took the little blue car for another test drive.  When we got back, I told him I had the amount in cash, and with that, he handed over the title and I drove the little blue car to my apartment.

Goodbye Ollie... Hello Burton Blueberry

And then I ran to the store, and bought a pineapple, because it felt appropriate.  If you were a fan of Psych, you will understand.  I sent a text to my friends, letting them know I would be driving the blueberry, and both of them immediately got it.  One replied, "does Gus know?"  while the other replied, "don't ever let Tim Curry get in your car!"

 

*For the record, it is not the exactly same car as they use in Psych.  I believe they use a Toyota

 

 

Anyway, I'm still getting used to it, but I love the feeling of knowing it's not going to break down on me on the way to work, and I really like using the air conditioning. 

Adventure Awaits

On Father's Day, my father was camping in Minnesota, so I decided it would be a good time to take my mom on a little adventure. This adventure also included my brother.  (For the record, we asked him if he wanted to and he accepted.  This adventure was not forced upon him.)

I packed my backpack, mostly with my camera gear, a granola bar, and a bottle of water.  I checked the weather for the area we would be going in and it showed a 60% chance of rain around the time we would be there.  We came up with a plan to go out to eat if it was raining when we go there.  I checked the weather again, as we were driving down the road and it dropped to 50% chance of scattered storms.  We looked at the beautiful blue sky with fluffy clouds and thought, it was a perfect day to go hiking and see some waterfalls in Northeastern Ohio.

I'd done this trail a few times, once in the autumn, when the view was absolutely breathtaking.  And once in the winter, when the waterfall was frozen solid.

 

I wanted to now because it has been raining more than the sun has been out, so I knew the waterfall would be a sight worth seeing.  My brother asked it if was the hike would be harder than Spangler, a park I frequently hike at, and I assured him this was a leisurely hike with a few trouble spots but nothing he couldn't do.  He let out a loud sigh, rolled his eyes, and wondered out loud what he had gotten into.  I took the time to remind him, again, that he could have said no to this outdoor adventure.  I did mention there might be some muddy spots and to dress accordingly.  I checked the weather again before we headed into the woods, 40% chance of rain.  The sky told us it was going to be a glorious hike.

 

I felt really silly putting on my backpack since I knew the hike was about a mile each way, but I didn't want to carry my camera around my neck the whole time, especially if it was going to be muddy.  We headed in, down the slope, and said, "oh yeah, this is going to feel like a hill when we come back to the car, I forgot about that..."

 

The first waterfall was 1/6 of a mile hike.  Blue Hen Falls.  It's the popular waterfall, so there were people crowded around, snapping photos, and enjoying their Sunday afternoon.

 

 

 

However, my plan was to avoid Blue Hen Falls, and head straight for Buttermilk Falls, the waterfall that isn't marked on ANY of the signs in the area (which is just stupid, more people should know about Buttermilk...)  This way, if the 40% chance of rain did fall upon us, we would be almost done with our hike or on our way back...I don't know, it made sense at the time. 

 

About three steps in, my brother slid in the mud and did the funky chicken dance to keep himself from going down.  Mom and I gasped and then applauded him when he landed on his feet, however, this was the beginning of his "worst-decision-of-my-life-to-go-hiking" attitude.  Because, half way to the second waterfall, we started feeling drips coming from the sky.  "Ok, let's turn around."  My brother happily suggested, but being somewhat stubborn determined, I told them we were so close so we should just venture on, plus, it was only a few rain drops.

 

Except those few raindrops didn't stop.  My brother mumbled and complained of his misery with every step while we slid in the mud and tried to get to Buttermilk Falls without falling in the mud.  By the time we reached the tricky part that I told my brother about, the rain was falling hard.  "We just have to go up this hill and then we are at the top of the waterfall!  I promise!"  I yelled as I was climbing between roots to get up the hill.  "It's a little slippery but not that bad, just take your time and be careful."  I shouted as if I were the official hiking tour guide. 

 

We reached the top in a complete downpour. 

 

"Ok, now lets go see it!"  I said optimistically, inching my way down the slippery hill.  "Who is with me?"

 

My brother was adamant about NOT going to see the waterfall and insisted we turn around and head back to the car.  That seemed silly to me because we were already soaked and less than five minutes of hiking to see the waterfall in all of its glory.  My mom considered going down the hill to see the waterfall, but my brother whispered in her ear that someone would have to point out to the rescue squad where I was when I got stuck at the bottom of the hill.  So, she opted to stay up top while I slowly slid down then hill.  "It's not as bad as it looks, I promise, you just have to go slow."

 

I made it, all in one piece, no rescue squad needed.  I pulled out my camera and started snapping pictures, and the rain started coming down even harder.  I was having a blast, yelling at them to come down and see it, while they were yelling at me to get back up the hill now... before a mudslide came and swept me away.

 

 

If you look close enough, you can see how hard it was raining....

 

It was so worth it to go down the hill.

 

 

 

I tried to ignore their shouts for as long as I could but couldn't ignore their shouts of panic any longer, so I pouted for a quick second, then threw my camera in my backpack and literally ran up the hill I had just slowly come down.

We started the venture back to the car, drenched, some of us were in great moods, feeling like true hardcore adventurers.....

While others were beyond miserable and regretting this adventure...

 

And, naturally, it stopped raining.  However, we still had plenty of mud and streams to make it through.  When we got back to Blue Hen Falls, I suggested we go down and take some pictures, but it was quickly vetoed.  However, some other hikers volunteered to take a picture for us, and it is probably my favorite picture ever....

Even though we'd made it to the car, the rain had stopped, and the sun was out, my brother was still not very happy.  On our drive home, I laughed out loud, and then told them what just went through my head, "Now everything makes sense.  I just started thinking of that picture of us when we were little and had our mud fight.  I was the dirtiest one in the picture, and B hardly had any mud on him at all.  I'm so much more of a live-it-up-in-the-moment-I-don't-care-if-I-get-dirty person and B is still reserved.  It just makes sense."

 

And we all laughed in agreement to my statement.

 

 

Now I can say I've seen waterfalls on a perfect day in autumn, in the winter, and in the pouring rain.  I know I'll hike there again, because another adventure awaits!





 

 



I Think I Ate a Box of Razors

My mouth hurts.

It's throbbing.  Literally.

I went to the dentist 7 hours ago, and prior to my visit, my mouth felt fine.  My gums weren't swollen or bleeding.  My teeth weren't screaming at me.  My mouth was just having a very average day.

Until I met Sue.

She was pleasant at first, she introduced herself, told me she would take care of me today, and she'd get me all shined up.  (No cavities to report, everything is still looking fine except for the gunk build up...which Sue took upon her self to remove.)

Everything was going fine until she started digging.  I'm not kidding you, she was digging at my teeth.  The scraping sound was hurting my ears, I could feel my gums bleeding, and worst of all, I could feel and taste that blood falling from my gums and down my throat.

I wanted to gag.

I told myself not to gag.

I may have gagged.

She told me she was trying to get out somethingorother which she translated to "splinters" in my teeth.  She was determined to get this splinter out, no matter how much pain she was putting me through.  She quit, rather unsatisfied, because she didn't get it all and there was still a tiny bit left but I would be fine without removing it.

She says this AFTER she dug and removed the first half...

Thirty minutes later, I was out the door with a new toothbrush, toothpaste, and a six month follow up appointment.   She told me to have a nice summer and that I'd see her in December.  I tried to flash her a bright and shined up smile but my tongue was busy nurturing them by massaging each tooth (or maybe I was checking to make sure they were all still there...).

I inspected my mouth as soon as I got to the car, and sure enough, my gums were swollen and bleeding.  Though the bleeding has stopped, the pain is almost unbearable.  I am really starting to wonder if she flossed my teeth with razors, because honestly, that's what it felt like.

But yay for no cavities...right?!?!

When You Don't Know if Fate is Mocking You or Encouraging You

Being single is confusing.  Whether it's trying to interpret mixed signals or knowing what the heck you are doing in a possible relationship, or even knowing whether or not you are dating someone, seeing someone, steady with someone, or just talking to someone. I don't know the difference between most of them, and you know what.  I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

I've finally been having some healthy crushes in my life, you know, the realistic kind of crushes, the kind where it might actually happen kind of crushes.  I rethought my guy with kids rule and realized it would actually be something I would be okay with and I can handle that kind of "drama" in my life.  And to be honest, I probably wouldn't have rethought this had I not gotten to know T.K. while getting to know T.  However, lately, I'm starting to think that this "getting to know T" is a figment of my imagination.  (This apparently happens a lot in my dating life, I don't know what's real and what is fiction...)

It's not that I don't know T, it's that I don't know him as well as I would like, and I don't know if I'm going to get that chance anymore.  I was cool with the ultra slow pace of learning bits and pieces about each other, taking six months to learn his name and occupation, and after a year of noticing each other, having a spontaneous ice cream date.  I really liked that.  I didn't feel pressured to define what we were doing or who he was in my life.  He was a crush who I was getting to know.

And then we exchanged phone numbers and soon I found I was the one always messaging him...to the point where I felt like I was an annoying pest.  But then, he would throw me for a loop and send me a message and ask how work was going, or send a picture of T.K. holding a fish from their latest fishing trip.  And then we would hang out for an hour or so, but then it would go back to mixed signals and never acknowledging the fact that we might actually be interested in each other.

Yes, I'm aware this guy has been nothing but mixed signals for a year, so I don't know why I'm surprised that I'm utterly confused.

A few weeks ago, he came over and we watched one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies... Rock of Ages.  As it turns out, it is one of his favorite movies, as well.  We sang along like dorks and had a really fun time.  When he left, I told myself I wouldn't message him first, that I would be strong and wait for him to contact me.  Days went by....and just shy of a week later, I caved and said hello.  Our conversation was short and I tried to tell myself he wasn't really interested, to accept it, and move on to the next crush.  

Only, he would come in to the restaurant and feed me enough mixed signals to change my mind into thinking he actually is interested in me.  

But today when I woke up... I had enough of the mixed signals and the no replies to my text messages.  I decided fate was telling me I am destined to be alone and I should just suck it up and embrace it.  I poured my heart out to Singapore Paula about how I was giving up because being lonely and constantly playing the waiting game wasn't really doing me any good.  Naturally, she gave me the "don't give up, it'll happen" speech and I replied, my soulmate got aborted.  This is why I'm prolife!

Not much longer, T. walked in, all smiles, waves and overflowing with mixed signals (which I did my best to ignore).  Fate, well, fate decided to either play a trick on me, mocking my vow of solitude, or maybe, it was a reminder to have hope because the next song to play as T. walked away was Don't Stop Believing by Journey but naturally, every time I hear that song anymore, I automatically think of the scene from Rock of Ages.

I took the sign as a little bit of encouragement, and I even giggled a little.  I took it about myself to message him several hours later and though I got a reply, it was a simple LOL.

So, I've conclude that fate was mocking me because it knows I don't know how to give up and I'll always have a little bit of hope that maybe someday, just someday, someone will stay interested in me long enough to get to know me.