Tuesday, July 28, 2015

A Confused SWF

I decided to do a quick load of laundry today.  (Don't worry, this will be a great  decent  post, and not about laundry...)  I loaded up the dirties in to my portable tote, grabbed a handful of quarters, and opened the door to what I thought was an empty hallway.

"Hey boo."  I hear from behind me.

Out of habit, I respond with "heeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!" And really, I say it out of habit since my co-worker always says "hey boo" to me.  And then I realized I wasn't at work, oh no, I actually said that to the neighbor in apartment #18.

"How you've been gurl?"  He asks, and even though I'm walking in the opposite direction down the hall, I can feel his eyes on me.

"I'm good, how are you?"  I respond.

"You still got dates?"  He asks, referring to the time a few weeks ago when he asked me to go out with him and I told him "It's complicated, I'm kind of seeing someone."  (Because at the time, I actually thought I was kind of seeing someone.... and I didn't want to go on a date with apartment #18 guy named Willie.)

"Yes...sorry."  I said, shrugging my shoulders and continued walking.

"Let me know if that changes."  He said, flashing me a grin.

I rolled my eyes and turned into the laundry room, and naturally my thoughts went to TT.... the guy that made things complicated.  Truth was, he stopped talking to me cold turkey, and it's really given me a complex, mostly because I can't understand how someone could actively pursue me for a year, then when things start actually happening, he vanishes.

So, I did what any single female would do when these questions start forming in her mind, I stalked TT on facebook.  Even though we aren't official facebook friends, I could still see his profile picture, and as it turns out, his new profile picture explained everything.  There he was, with a giant smile on his face, and a woman wrapped in his arms.

Clearly, I am not that woman.

Ah, yes, I was someone on the side....again.

And even though I'm currently talking to someone new and going on dates (see, I didn't lie to #18) I'm still really bothered with TT just leaving me hanging.  Why couldn't he man up and tell me it wasn't working or that he wasn't interested now that he was getting to know me instead of just dropping off the face of the earth when I thought things were actually starting to go somewhere?

I guess I've never been good at dating because I've never really understood it.  In my mind, if you're talking to someone, you continuously communicate with them, whether it's good or bad, because you can't build any type of a relationship without communication.... and trying to figure out hints, clues and codes, is a waste of time.

So, while my laundry is turning, I've been trying to delete TT's number out of my phone but I'm finding it to be much more difficult than it should be...

the struggle is so real.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Motivation Monday

I used to hate my body.  No, wait, I was disgusted with my body.  More than that, I hated myself because of how I looked on the outside.  I did not have a healthy self-esteem.  For years, I convinced myself if I'd get to a certain weight or size then I would love myself but the self hatred hated me so much I couldn't change anything about my body.  I remained miserable until one day I had had enough.

I made myself find one thing that I loved about my body and do you know what it was?  It was my cheesy and slightly crooked smile with the gap between the front teeth.  And then I realized I loved the two moles beside my left eye.  And then it was my nose... and so on, until I realized that I actually loved my looks and flaws.  They were me and mine.  The thing was, I wasn't taking care of myself, and so I started making slow changes in my daily life, breaking bad habits and starting better ones.

It's a journey I'm still on but I'll tell you one thing, taking care of myself and creating my own happiness was one of the healthiest choices I have ever made.  I work out because I love my body.  I make healthy choices because I love feeling good.  I changed my lifestyle to be positive and happy instead of always being sad and depressed.

Are you taking care of your body because you love it?  Or are you destroying your body because you hate it?  Are you working out in hopes of having a body you love?  Because if you are, you won't ever find it.  You have to love what you already have and if you want maybe you'll shine it up, or tone up, a little bit, but do it because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself.

So tell me, what do you love about your body?

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Starting Over Again

A few years ago, I realized it was time to get healthy.  I was overweight, and I'd struggled to get the weight off for years, but then I finally had an epiphany and realized that being healthy was more important than being skinny.  I started making changes.  I moved more, and made healthier choices.  

I would love to tell you that I saw immediate results on my body, but I didn't.  Sure, I was feeling better, looking better, my acne wasn't as bad, I didn't have bad morning breath, and my confidence was boosting, but I wasn't seeing the physical results I thought I would see.

Fast forward ten years of battling with my weight and discovering a large nodule on my neck. Insert fear, getting tested for cancer, and having an eye opening experience that if I don't focus more on my health and well-being, I won't ever get any better.

Even though I thought I was being healthy...as it turns out, I was not being healthy at all.  I was making excuses and making up for them by eating salads.  However, once I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, I started learning more about the importance of living a healthy lifestyle.  In the last year, I've learned more about clean eating and once I gave up gluten and dairy, and took supplements to help my thyroid and my body started changing.  Those physical results I was looking for over the last ten years, showed up in three months!  

I maintained my weight loss until the holidays, and then, I decided to give myself a break.  Back to sugar, back to junk food... and soon, back to depression and feeling horrible.  It's taken me almost six months to cut everything back out again, so I'm starting over...again.

I'm not mad at myself for gaining a little weight back.  I've stayed active and I've acknowledged when I've been bad.  The whole point is to work at it one day at a time, and that is exactly what I plan to do.

I am going to start up a 7 day clean eating group on facebook and I'm searching for workout buddies (ah hem SJ) or accountability partners.  I've learned it is so much easier to succeed at everything when you have a great support group around you, and that is what I am looking for.  I know I am the only one who can make the changes I need to make, but it'll be so much better knowing I have friends who have my back and beg me to keep moving...and put down the ice cream.